From his weather station in the tree house out behind his home near Gunpowder Point, Clint Wethemen has been issuing predictions about the coming weekend, using his Mister Meteorologist Science Kit, a copy of the Old Farmer’s Almanac, his Tony Petrarca decoder ring, and a jar full of wooly bear caterpillars.
The treehouse is well equipped with a desk and chair, a phone, a police scanner, and a cabinet stocked with cheap Canadian liquor. At random intervals, Clint calls in news and weather updates to Doris Underwood at the Bay Current and to radio station WHFU in Hope Falls, known for its reactionary opinions and rambling guest callers.
“Hiya, Mizz Underwood, I’ve got breaking news on the storm track and snowfall totals that your readers need right away, if not sooner.”
“Clint, how many times have I told you? It’s a weekly newspaper. This week’s issue was printed last night. I printed the forecast I got from Channel Ten.”
“Channel Ten’s a buncha losers. John Ghiorse . . . big clown, I tell ya, and Art Lake. . .”
“Art Lake is dead, Clint. Years go. And John Ghiorse has been retired since way before Hurricane Sandy.”
“You listen to me about this thing. It’s gonna be—they call it a bominable . . . snowcone—cyclops—a cyclone bomber. Big! Like the Blizzard of Seven-Eleven. Multiple inches of snow. Very multiple inches.”
“You know, Clint. You should really climb down out of the treehouse, very carefully, while you can. You don’t want to be stranded up there in the storm.”
“I got all I need up here.”
“Food?”
“I picked up a couple of packages of beef jerky while I was out getting other supplies. Some salted peanuts, too.”
“Do you ever go shopping anywhere besides Harbor Wine and Spirits?”
“It’s very convenient. Can’t go chasin’ all over town for groceries and whatnot when there’s weather to report. Also, did I tell you about Olive Drabbe and the fire chief?”
“I can’t put that in the newspaper, Clint.”
“I gotta call the radio station, before they broadcast all that National Weather Service hogwash. Did you know Disney pays off the National Weather Service so it never rains in their parks? I’ve got some stories I could tell you.”
“I’m hanging up the phone now.”
“I’ll get back to you with updates in two to four hours.”
“I simply cannot wait.”
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